Some comments made in the midst of a passionate and heated argument were far more nasty than if the participants had been face to face.
At times like this I find the following notes on the difference between aggressiveness and assertiveness very helpful. They based on a website on cognitive behaviour.
1) I am responsible for my own feelings. Other people can only have power over how you feel if you let them. Our choice remains foremost. Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as saying, ‘no one can diminish you without your permission’.
2) People can’t make me do things such as, feel hurt, leave the group, feel diminished, be excluded. These are my choices. To choose not to be hurt is hard but liberating.
3) I am not responsible for how other people react to what I say. I am only responsible for what I say and feel. I can choose therefore to exaggerate, ignore facts, ride rough shod over others, ignore their point of view and context and while other people may choose to be hurt or not hurt, I can only remain responsible for my own integrity, motivations and love.
4) It is not unreasonable to expect people therefore to take responsibility (especially in a in a Christian group) for providing a context filled with love, kindness and hope while maintaining their own integrity.
5) Criticism is a positive and good thing particularly when the intention is to be positive and good. I can’t assume that the other person is deliberately trying to harm and damage me. I could ask them if I was worried about their motives. If they are trying to hurt me I don’t have to accept their criticism or allow it to undermine me.
6) It helps not to ‘mind read’. It is quite possible to get very cross with what I think motivates the other person, when in reality they had not realised that is what I was thinking nor did they have that motivation. Before choosing to be hurt by them, I can say what I felt when they said what they said and offer them a way of offering that criticism that I would have found easier to deal with.
No comments:
Post a Comment