Assertive or Aggressive - they are different!

It helps me sometimes to remember the principles behind assertive language which is in fact the opposite of aggressive language. This post is based on an email from a friend - I don't know the resources they used to write it.

Aggression in communication is complicated and always unhelpful. It gets divided into different types.

1) Open aggression in which one person is clearly and obviously violent and rude to another. This is quite an honest form of aggression, you can see who is verbally thumping you, it hurts and you know why. An example of an aggressive phrase - ‘you are an idiot’

2) Indirect aggression in which one person hides behind politeness acting like a sniper, and ducks and dives so much that though you feel you are being thumped it’s not immediately obvious why. An indirect aggressive phrase - ‘I see you have behaved as usual’

3) Passive aggression is harder to notice again. You know aggression is going on because you are feeling a bit thumped and wondering how to cope. It is passive, often expressed by the aggressor being all wounded and hurt. A passive aggressive phase ‘I’m made to feel no one loves me’
Assertive phrases are less ‘spikey’, not aiming to punish the other person but where one does feel aggrieved or hurt, one takes responsibility for that feeling and tries and help the other person help you. An assertive phrase might be, “When you tell me I’m an idiot I feel hurt, I would prefer it if you told me what you were upset about in a way I could respond to”. An aggressive person might say, ‘You’re and idiot too!’ (direct) or ‘I can see you've used your usual level of insight and judgement’ (indirect) or ‘I’m so hurt I’m going to run away and hide’ (passive).

The assertive person takes responsibility for their feelings, recognises their own rights to be treated respectfully, but also respects the other person’s rights to feel cross and express themselves. They seek for a ‘win win’ and not just the satisfaction of trying to make the other person squirm. For me passive aggression is always the hardest to resist giving and the hardest to cope with. I’m an absolute sucker for the sucker punch, ‘Just look how much you've hurt me!’ Unless I’m careful I feel anxious and guilty and then want to ‘out passive aggressive the other person’ by saying how much they have hurt me!

I believe it really is worth exploring assertiveness and I say this as someone who is hopelessly addicted to various convoluted, mostly passive aggressive, form of communication.

The internet is an arena where our interactions with others are visible for the world to see. It should be a forum in which we resist all violent language including open, indirect or passive aggression.